The Eldritch Arrow

36809 wrote:

Any comments on the second part? I can't quite put my finger on what I don't really think is up to standards. Would sincerely appreciate -any- feedback!

Dammit!! I forgot to read it again
This is why I'm a terrible special agent I forget all the things I should be doing
*Goes and reads*

Read it then went to visit someone in hospital for 7 hours (NHS in action woot) then forgot to comment lol.
I dont think theres any drop off in qualtiy at all Axel, what I thinks bugging you is when theres nothing going on, in the first part there was lots going on and you could describe everything in detail and everything moved very fast.
In this part some of the papargraphs have had to switch to everyday routine (well everyday routine on a starship) to set up tension and explore what the fall out is after the battle, I've found personally that these parts are just hard to write becuase you have to write a series of sequenceil tasks and make them feel interesting.

Quote :

After looking in the mirror one last time he let the metal touch his skin as he began his shave. He hadn’t realized just how scruffy he had looked until he had reached his quarters, his reflection in the mirror almost screaming at him to do something.

I only picked up on this becuase you wanted constructive critisism and its nothing majour but in this sentence you use the term him/his/he 10 times and more in the next sentence.
lol its a pain doing these sections I'm stuck on one at the moment in another RP, nothing particulary is going on in one scene but I have to describe the movement of my character ie getting dressed and landing the ship etc so its hard to make it interesting and not use identifiers like this alot.

Like I said I didnt notice a drop of in quality, I loved the Doctor captain conversations it really highlighted their different personalitys and realationship, there are just parts of RP that are harder to write then others, (I'm a newbie myself really so dont take my word to seriously though)

I've just finished reading this and first want to say 'bravo'! Your storytelling once again impresses but I can also see why you weren't so happy with this one as mauch as the first.

I agree with PrioryJK in that the biggest struggle is to begin with there's not much happening. Because we don't know Deimos and this is following on from part one, the reader expecting a continuation of the story is instead hit with a rather long monologue of a stranger going over events they've already read about. If it were thoughts and feelings of an established character we've built a relationship with or the very beginning of the tale the reader would more likely buy into the slow start.

Also the routine of Desmond and his shaving is a really nice touch and would work really well as a montage on film but here it feels to me very protracted and further postpones the story in your story. The conversation with the doc first piques my interest and then we start cooking with gas once we get to the interrogation half way through and by then you're back on top form!

If it were me I'd have structured it so Deimos' torture was at the very beginning. Straight away there would be sympathy for the character and an immediate connection to the reader established. Then his backstory could have been told on the torture table as part of his in-and-out of conciousness memories broken up with more torture (I like the torture) to keep the reader interested.

But like I say it's still a great story once it finds it's feet and I'd like to thank you for all your efforts and for sharing. Looking forward to part III!

(PS. With the name of the character 'Deimos' - is that the same NPC as Lunarwolf's Darth Deimos? Or a different one with the same name? A little confusing tbh!)

Thanks for the comments you two! Really helped me conclude what exactly was bugging me about this segment. I might subject it to some heavy editing in the future but I will finetone and go through my first draft of part three not to keep you waiting.

Your suggestion of telling the story through blackouts was a very intriguing concept and I might incorporate it when the part is edited.

PS: The Deimos character is unrelated to LW's NPC Darth Deimos. The name itself originates from the greek word for "fear" (Δείμος) which I thought was fitting with the torture and all.

36809 wrote:

PS: The Deimos character is unrelated to LW's NPC Darth Deimos. The name itself originates from the greek word for "fear" (Δείμος) which I thought was fitting with the torture and all.

Aye, its also the name of a Moon of the same name, which is in turn named after the Greek god/personification of the same name. I actually chose the name because of the Star Wars character, Darth Phobos, which is again, named after a moon. Phobos and Deimos are celestial neighbours in fact.

Darth Deimos is a bestowed title, his real name is Neabel, the very same character from "A Wayward Son" in fact

Part III up and edited! It took me a wee while to get all the [/i]'s and [/color]'s which I found easier handtyping but here it is!

I hope you enjoy reading it and this is the final part of the Eldritch Arrow series. I'm talking to LW about creating a little secret project (secret for now anyway) which will most probably turn out quite well!

As usual, if you have anything to say please do, I really appreciate any feedback!

Should I find myself without anything to do on the computer I'll start looking at Blaze of Thurra and begin playing around with the concept Harewood introduced (Thanks for that again by the way! )

This is 36809, quite content & happy, signing off!

Congrats on finishing it Axel, I'll read it today I'm a bit obsessed with my own project atm I also need to post in two RPs
....and then if theres time I may do some real life .....

Haha! Good stuff PJK.

Feel no obligation to read my story. Do it when you have time

...No, you'll do it now.

*powers up blaster pistol*

Whoa whoa... We're all friends here. I suggest you do what the man says PJK...

PEW PEW!

It is a cracking read though, I highly recommend it! Although I know Axel was in two minds about it, I'm an especially big fan of the ending which seems like the sort of thing Qurzit would do in my opinion.

Nah underneath that helmet Lw's just a big over grown Ewok ...with fleas ...
This was a great read
I thought the action would let up once you got to the planet but it was a really well done transition not to mention the different times zones, its kind of an interesting backstory becuase its definatly part of his life but he's still left as a mystery throughout so you know more about him but still very little
I thought he had red eyes becuase he was some sort of sith but him being a Chiss cross breed made it more origonal
There was one little niggle, we'd stuck with the crew for quite a while, I thought there would be some hint about what their mission was over, I was annoyed when the alien got killed before the reveal

Spoiler:

it wasn't anything big anyways and everything I said about it in my other posts applies as well

Hmm... Fair point PJK! I'll be sure to edit and add a hint of what their mission was, however due to the rather volatile nature of their mission I can't openly suggest anything as it might go against SW lore.

I'll throw a post up and tell you when it's edited!

Thank's PJK.

Added the following, I'll stick exactly what I am hinting at in a spoiler. I didn't want to be taken literally as lore might crash against me. It's what I had in mind anyway.

The Eldritch Arrow Epilogue wrote:

The Eldritch Arrow silently drifted through space, away from Thurra and it's children. Away from a mission which would never be mentioned. Not until thousands of years later would someone return in search of what the Eldritch Arrow had arrived for. Thousands of years later a man who's title was named after tyrants would arrive on Thule. He would succeed where the Doctor had failed and ressurect a reaper of souls. Kessia would be razed and the tyrant would be defeated by a man claimed to be chosen by the force.

Thousands of years later the reaper which could've brought an end to any war would be ultimately destroyed for a second time...

Spoiler:

Well I've just finished reading this and I want to say 'well freakin done', 36! I really liked the planet-side stuff and the final scene was crystal clear in my head (it looked great^^) and deliciously atmospheric.

Brilliant work - thank you very much!

Harewood wrote:

Well I've just finished reading this and I want to say 'well freakin done', 36! I really liked the planet-side stuff and the final scene was crystal clear in my head (it looked great^^) and deliciously atmospheric.

Brilliant work - thank you very much!

Thanks Harewood!