So'ran Naeylis story Discussion Thread

Please use this thread to comment on So'ran's Short Story.

I've just finished reading this So'ran and I really enjoyed it! You've got an excellent grasp of english and your writing flows really well, is descriptive and excellently paced.

Hopefully there will be more to come as I'd love to see the progression of Naeylis from the little girl she is depicted as here to the woman who has made her way in the Galaxy.

Its an interesting point that she has unusual eyes, something which seems to crop up in a few of our characters here (I can think of both Agent 36809 and Aleina right off the top of my head). The old saying of "the eyes are the windows to the soul" makes me think that many of our Agents have very interesting souls indeed!

Excellent work



PS: Oh and I've put it in the Storytelling section for you, under the "work in progress" list as I assume there will be more? if not let me know and I'll move it to the 'completed stories' section instead.

wow, I don't know what to answer to this. Thank you, Lunarwolf I'm really very happy you enjoyed this first chapter and glad to read my english is better than I thought

Of course, I confirm there will be more chapters to come, this one was just the beginning.

I like what you said about the eyes are the soul because that's exactly the point!

Well, time for me to work on chapter 2

As LW said, it's a very good story -or hopefully a very good first chapter- you've made. I've been reading it once and I didn't see much to criticize. So being a nice guy (I'm paid for that no worries), I'll agree on LW's saying. It's indeed very nicely paced and you easily drive us into reading more and more. I'd also add you shouldn't be shy on your English, you're as close of mastering it as non-english may be.

On a second reading, I'll bring up those two not-so-negative points:
- The mentionning of Tooma was kinda 'weird'. Probably the ****** who killed the nice daddy but a single line stating that would make it clearer and stil leave the mystery of why and who's he really.
- Though I can understand the lust of Revenge of this lil' girl, it sounded awkward to me for such a little girl. I would have stressed she don't understand WHY this happened. In the following chapter probably about her training as a teen, I'd have brought up revenge.

All those being personnal notes and ideas that popped in my head. As every feedback I leave, no offense meant